"I finally said it," she breathed with a sigh of mixed regret and relief. Until now, she had been carrying regrets over not saying how she truly felt for more than 8 months, an incredible burden to bear. By not being completely honest with herself and others, she slowly felt the life suck out of her, leaving her in a puddle of tears at a moments notice. But she was done wasting her tears in silence. If something could be done, she must attempt it. If not, it was long past time to give up and move on.
Fear had always kept her on the sidelines of life, watching but never joining in. She had learned cynicism at a young age. It was easier to expect nothing and just be happy when something did occur against one's expectations. Its true that there were no major disappointments, but there were no victories either. "Nothing ventured, nothing gained" did indeed ring true. Even if you never tried, you could still loose. And cynicism didn't completely shield you from sorrow and pain. In fact, it was really more of a breeding ground for it than anything.
Most small children will ask for anything and everything. But from the time when she was a small girl, her mother had always pushed her to ask. "Dad will give you anything you want if you just say it," was her common encouragement. But she could never bring herself to face the disappointment of being told "no". And so she mastered herself to hardly ever ask. Unfortunately though, she still wanted. Oh so much.
She never realized how much her fear of asking affected her life. It affected her friendships, and soon her relationship with God. She was afraid He wouldn't respond, or worse yet, say "no". And she began to wonder, "If I ask with all my heart, and He denies me, does He really love me?" So instead of finding out whether He did or not, she decided to guard her heart from pain on her own.
Then someone lovingly pointed out the truth to her. What cynicism and fear were doing to her; that instead of freeing herself from pain, she was only deepening her agony by harboring bitterness and grief. They had been her constant companions for over two decades... could she give up their familiar ways so easily?
一歩一歩。
So she asked Him. She didn't hear anything. So she asked again, this time for something a little smaller. And she got an answer. She asked for something big again... but still no answer. But in the asking and the waiting, her focused began to change. At last she began to see all that she had been missing. The little blessings hiding in the dew-dropped wildflowers hiding in the nooks and crannies she had overlooked while shrouded in darkness.
After a long wait, it was now time for hope to bloom.
And so she fervently she asked. And asked. Then asked some more. It didn't mean she got what she wanted. At least not as far as the request went. But she began to receive something much more than she expected. Not just the request, but a greater view of the One who listened to her requests. And she began to love Him.
One evening she went for a walk with Him in a garden, as the sun reached its glorious fullness, right before sunset. As she walked, her eyes began to well with tears again as she poured out her desires before Him. And suddenly, a flutter of feathers and familiar chirp drew her eyes upwards. And the beauty of the day, and the majesty of everything He made and provided for her enjoyment flooded her heart as she recalled His words to her, "Your Heavenly Father provides for them. Are you not worth much more than they?"
He did love her. She as soooo thankful, and so happy. And immediately she was afraid that something would come and rob her of this joy. Because fear and worry often had before.
"When you fail, I am here. I'm always greater than any mistake you can make. 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' And I don't ever ask you to be perfect. I simply ask you to grow in trust and become more dependent on Me."
One step, two steps. Fall. Lifted up again. One step, two steps...
Sunday, April 28, 2013
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
5. Before Spring, Winter must come
Though healing had began its process in the deepest, darkest days of Winter, Spring had not quite come yet. God does work in mysterious ways. At the moment when she needed to know of God's love and mercy most, she received it. But she had no idea how necessary His strength would be in the days ahead.
After the mountaintop, one must face the valley. Two brief days later, she received a message, whose contents would be ever seared in her mind. "We are praying for your father. We hope he makes it through." What? What has happened? What could this possibly mean? Scrolling through messages she had not been able to access in her 24 hours of travel, she received word that her father was in a coma and that she needed to immediately return back to the frozen forests of the North, half a world away. Even in that moment, Father sent people to walk beside her and set her on this unexpected journey home. Hand in hand with her Heavenly Father, she went to see her earthly father for what would be the last time.
The rest was a blur. Foreign airports, restless nights. Seeing beloved faces at the airport and in the ICU entryway. Her mother holding her hand and breaking the news that they would take her father off life support in a few short hours, but offering time alone with him, though he was already in a coma. The realization he was already gone, but staying to praise and worship God in that place. Funeral arrangements. Obituaries. Eulogies. Trying to fill in a host of paperwork, in Canada and Japan. A flurry of activity.
Then silence.
In a state of numbness, life continued on. There were children to love and feed. Animals that also needed care. Life would go on, even if she could not.
Then after a bit of reprieve in the land of ice and snow among those that she so dearly loved, she headed back to another, quite different place that also had captured her heart and soul. To be caught between to worlds that she equally loved was a terrible, wonderful thing. She was the most cursed, and most blessed of all people. Cursed to never in this life have everyone she loved in one place. Blessed that no matter where on earth she went, there would always been the joy of seeing another dear face.
But one loss was soon followed by another, than another. Graduation in Japan had come and gone, and so were many of the people she had met last year. Though it had been brief, she still felt the loss. And yet an even heavier burden to bear, her Grandma soon followed after her father. The loss of her youngest child had weighed to much on her heart, and she quickly passed through the pearled gates to be at last in Father's presence. Fourteen years a widow had been hard on her at times, and while she still loved her family, she had often spoken of finally going Home.
Loss. It seemed that life would never be free from sorrow. After traversing the valleys of the previous year, she didn't think that should would have strength to face such loss, so soon. Her love-sick heart, being newly mended, didn't want to face the loss of two close family members. But she came to see that as long as she was on this earth, that as long as she loved someone, or something, there would be pain, loss and inevitably sorrow. There was no where for her to run and hide from it. She must face it.
However, sorrow didn't have to drown out the joy; it could enrich joy as long as it didn't make her bitter. And she didn't want to be become bitter again. The lessons Father had taught her about gratitude while in the Valley of the Shadow of Death should not be so easily forgotten. Though excruciating, she began to see that walking with Father down these paths, He was enabling her heart to be more thankful, more patient, more gracious and more compassionate than she had been before. He was transforming her, and the job wasn't nearly finished yet.
And with that news, the sakura began to bloom. Spring had come.
After the mountaintop, one must face the valley. Two brief days later, she received a message, whose contents would be ever seared in her mind. "We are praying for your father. We hope he makes it through." What? What has happened? What could this possibly mean? Scrolling through messages she had not been able to access in her 24 hours of travel, she received word that her father was in a coma and that she needed to immediately return back to the frozen forests of the North, half a world away. Even in that moment, Father sent people to walk beside her and set her on this unexpected journey home. Hand in hand with her Heavenly Father, she went to see her earthly father for what would be the last time.
The rest was a blur. Foreign airports, restless nights. Seeing beloved faces at the airport and in the ICU entryway. Her mother holding her hand and breaking the news that they would take her father off life support in a few short hours, but offering time alone with him, though he was already in a coma. The realization he was already gone, but staying to praise and worship God in that place. Funeral arrangements. Obituaries. Eulogies. Trying to fill in a host of paperwork, in Canada and Japan. A flurry of activity.
Then silence.
In a state of numbness, life continued on. There were children to love and feed. Animals that also needed care. Life would go on, even if she could not.
Then after a bit of reprieve in the land of ice and snow among those that she so dearly loved, she headed back to another, quite different place that also had captured her heart and soul. To be caught between to worlds that she equally loved was a terrible, wonderful thing. She was the most cursed, and most blessed of all people. Cursed to never in this life have everyone she loved in one place. Blessed that no matter where on earth she went, there would always been the joy of seeing another dear face.
But one loss was soon followed by another, than another. Graduation in Japan had come and gone, and so were many of the people she had met last year. Though it had been brief, she still felt the loss. And yet an even heavier burden to bear, her Grandma soon followed after her father. The loss of her youngest child had weighed to much on her heart, and she quickly passed through the pearled gates to be at last in Father's presence. Fourteen years a widow had been hard on her at times, and while she still loved her family, she had often spoken of finally going Home.
Loss. It seemed that life would never be free from sorrow. After traversing the valleys of the previous year, she didn't think that should would have strength to face such loss, so soon. Her love-sick heart, being newly mended, didn't want to face the loss of two close family members. But she came to see that as long as she was on this earth, that as long as she loved someone, or something, there would be pain, loss and inevitably sorrow. There was no where for her to run and hide from it. She must face it.
However, sorrow didn't have to drown out the joy; it could enrich joy as long as it didn't make her bitter. And she didn't want to be become bitter again. The lessons Father had taught her about gratitude while in the Valley of the Shadow of Death should not be so easily forgotten. Though excruciating, she began to see that walking with Father down these paths, He was enabling her heart to be more thankful, more patient, more gracious and more compassionate than she had been before. He was transforming her, and the job wasn't nearly finished yet.
And with that news, the sakura began to bloom. Spring had come.
4. Tears of Healing
Seasons passed. Slowly the glorious robes of fall loosened and fell to the ankles of the majestic trees, and a piercing cold began to inhabit the wind. Overcast skies replaced the sunny days of before and Winter had come to take up its thrown. However, Winter without snow is an irritable, bleak thing, with all the pain and none of the beauty.
She stopped pondering at her window, and decided to pursue something other than love. If a husband and family were to be denied to her, her heart needed something or someone else into which to invest love into. Because as hard as she would try to deny it, God had made her to love, and love must be given. So she began to focus on the young people around her, children, teen and college students. And slowly, ever so slowly, gratitude began to sprout in her heart again.
To give her respite from the chill that was beginning to set in on her marrow, an invitation came to meet with other like-minded people in a tropical place not so far away. Excited at the change of pace, she collect a few cloths into one handheld bag, and set off on a new adventure. Adventure. How she love the thrill of new experiences, new people, new places. And this time she would face it alone. Until now there was always someone there to help, to buffer her from the problems that would inevitably arise on this new escapade. But this time, it would only be her wit and God's protection that would get her there and back again. After all this time, her last fear of singleness was being fought, and she would not back down.
Not without a few funny stories and some thankful prayers, she at last arrived at her destination. Those couple of weeks spend in the midst of God's family were a balm to her soul. More so than she ever could have anticipated. As she dwelt in God's word among His people, layer upon layer of dirt and filth began to fall from her spirit. Bitterness, cynicism, anger, undealt with grief were exposed. How she had lived so long without seeing them mystified her. At last, would healing come?
One fine day, the leader of the group suggested they pray for each other. And so the flood gates of desire opened as members asked for prayer for what lay on their heart. In the midst of it all, her friend stood up and said "I feel so alone." Without a thought, she clutched her long skirt in one had and ran across the room to plead with her Father on her friend's behalf. During that time, someone else announced another prayer request, but deep in prayer, she didn't hear it. When she returned to her former spot in the room she asked her roommate "What was said?" Her friend replied that someone requested they pray for the singles. Realizing that everyone around her was a single woman, she exclaimed, "What are we waiting for?" and fell to her knees and began to pray. In the midst of that circle of comfort, she, like another famous woman of old, began to pour out her heart with tears and much agony of spirit. For someone who was very careful to reveal how she felt, the degree of vulnerability was unlike anything she had ever experienced.
When she stood, she knew she was free. The tears had washed and cleansed her spirit, and no matter what the response would be, she knew her Father had heard her prayer. It was time to rest.
She stopped pondering at her window, and decided to pursue something other than love. If a husband and family were to be denied to her, her heart needed something or someone else into which to invest love into. Because as hard as she would try to deny it, God had made her to love, and love must be given. So she began to focus on the young people around her, children, teen and college students. And slowly, ever so slowly, gratitude began to sprout in her heart again.
To give her respite from the chill that was beginning to set in on her marrow, an invitation came to meet with other like-minded people in a tropical place not so far away. Excited at the change of pace, she collect a few cloths into one handheld bag, and set off on a new adventure. Adventure. How she love the thrill of new experiences, new people, new places. And this time she would face it alone. Until now there was always someone there to help, to buffer her from the problems that would inevitably arise on this new escapade. But this time, it would only be her wit and God's protection that would get her there and back again. After all this time, her last fear of singleness was being fought, and she would not back down.
Not without a few funny stories and some thankful prayers, she at last arrived at her destination. Those couple of weeks spend in the midst of God's family were a balm to her soul. More so than she ever could have anticipated. As she dwelt in God's word among His people, layer upon layer of dirt and filth began to fall from her spirit. Bitterness, cynicism, anger, undealt with grief were exposed. How she had lived so long without seeing them mystified her. At last, would healing come?
One fine day, the leader of the group suggested they pray for each other. And so the flood gates of desire opened as members asked for prayer for what lay on their heart. In the midst of it all, her friend stood up and said "I feel so alone." Without a thought, she clutched her long skirt in one had and ran across the room to plead with her Father on her friend's behalf. During that time, someone else announced another prayer request, but deep in prayer, she didn't hear it. When she returned to her former spot in the room she asked her roommate "What was said?" Her friend replied that someone requested they pray for the singles. Realizing that everyone around her was a single woman, she exclaimed, "What are we waiting for?" and fell to her knees and began to pray. In the midst of that circle of comfort, she, like another famous woman of old, began to pour out her heart with tears and much agony of spirit. For someone who was very careful to reveal how she felt, the degree of vulnerability was unlike anything she had ever experienced.
When she stood, she knew she was free. The tears had washed and cleansed her spirit, and no matter what the response would be, she knew her Father had heard her prayer. It was time to rest.
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
3. 片思い or All Alone in Love
"I should set up a fortune telling booth in the mall. At least then I'd get paid when the things I see about to happen do come to pass," she muttered under her breath as she angrily flipped through her Facebook posts. Just as she suspected. Yet another guy she liked finally got a girlfriend, and it had every indication of being serious this time. Yet again. It just didn't seem fair! She could be close friends with these guys, have great conversations, do fun things, hang out all the time... but in the end she was just one of the boys, loosing "his" attention to another pretty girl who came along. It was a terrible, crushing feeling, being able to foresee what was about to happen. She could pretty much pick out who "she" would be, long before "he" ever seemed to show signs that he was aware what was going on. Why was it that when she knew him inside out, it never occurred to him to stop ogling the pretty girls and look at her?
She was tired of this cycle repeating itself. Tired of the heartbreak, of being the only one hurting alone. Tired of patiently looking on, trying to be supportive, smiling to cover up the tears that threatened to spill over and would inevitably drowned her pillow when she got home at the end of the day. Tired that no matter how much she loved "him", he'd never be hers. Change her clothes, change her hair, loose some weight, take up new hobbies, give him all her time and attention... all for what? An empty heart and the weight of the world crushing her down... down... down... She wasn't herself, but she still wasn't good enough for him.
But what she was tired of more than anything, was being bitter.
How does one cure a broken heart that has turned bitter? How does a person regain their hope when every time it glimmers it is stamped down, buried deep and washed away by a river of endless tears? What do you do when everyone else gets the very thing you desire most?
How does one find joy again?
Exhausted and emotionally barren, she drifted off to sleep. Time did not heal this wound; it only allowed it to scab before someone would scratch the surface and allow the fester to be released. Healing was the only thing that could save her now.
She was tired of this cycle repeating itself. Tired of the heartbreak, of being the only one hurting alone. Tired of patiently looking on, trying to be supportive, smiling to cover up the tears that threatened to spill over and would inevitably drowned her pillow when she got home at the end of the day. Tired that no matter how much she loved "him", he'd never be hers. Change her clothes, change her hair, loose some weight, take up new hobbies, give him all her time and attention... all for what? An empty heart and the weight of the world crushing her down... down... down... She wasn't herself, but she still wasn't good enough for him.
But what she was tired of more than anything, was being bitter.
How does one cure a broken heart that has turned bitter? How does a person regain their hope when every time it glimmers it is stamped down, buried deep and washed away by a river of endless tears? What do you do when everyone else gets the very thing you desire most?
How does one find joy again?
Exhausted and emotionally barren, she drifted off to sleep. Time did not heal this wound; it only allowed it to scab before someone would scratch the surface and allow the fester to be released. Healing was the only thing that could save her now.
Sunday, September 30, 2012
2. Beautiful Moon, Blue Moon
Staring out at the rain drizzling down her window pane, she knew that yet another year would pass before she could see the famed "most beautiful" full moon of the year. Tonight, many people across Asia will celebrate with special sweets and take time to gaze at the moon in all its glory. The perfect time to pluck a piece of pampas grass, hand it to the one you adore and stutter "su...suki", a play on words involving the word for pampas grass and "I love you."
Unfortunately, a typhoon swept passed the island earlier on in the day, leaving behind rain and cloud cover. And the guy who first told her that crazy pun, well, he was trying it out on another girl tonight. Maybe it was just as well she couldn't see the moon.
Unfortunately, a typhoon swept passed the island earlier on in the day, leaving behind rain and cloud cover. And the guy who first told her that crazy pun, well, he was trying it out on another girl tonight. Maybe it was just as well she couldn't see the moon.
1. Orange Peels
Rubbing her eyes and yawning, she stretched, nearly brushing the ceiling with her fingertips in her cramped, miniature size apartment. Feedback from her contacts on social networks who made such absurd allusions to living overseas being romantic and an endless adventure had clearly never lived there themselves. There was nothing entertaining about overpriced food or scrubbing mold out of shower tiles after a particularly hot and humid summer. Most days were simply, well, ordinary.
Other days were extremely aggravating. Like today. She didn't know what was up with Mercy, but did she always have to nitpick over every little thing she did? Of course it is important to adapt to your host culture, but more often than not, it seemed like the citizens of her host culture liked to view the concept of "cultural adaptation" as "you moved to my country so do everything exactly as I do, regardless of whether anyone else does." Only so many people can have the "right" way of doing things...
She liked Mercy, most of the time. But today, well, she had already had enough stress to last a week, and when Mercy told her that by not folding her orange peel back into an orange shape that she appeared like a child, the last residual attempt at polite interest vanished completely. SERIOUSLY?! Its a freaking orange peel! About to be thrown in the trash. She knew that this country was ridiculously obsessed with form and rules, but this was taking it one step too far.
And she knew Mercy was trying to conciliatory when she followed up the conversation with concerned inquiries about whether or not her eye was healing, and by mentioning she looked tired... but she couldn't swallow half-baked apologies anymore. Not from someone who managed to alienate the one man she swore she would always love by flirting with the guy she had her eye on for some time. She didn't know whether to think Mercy was naive, stupid, or a backstabber. It didn't matter though. Its not like Takeshi returned her feelings. And you simply can't make someone love you, no matter how hard you may wish it.
Feeling her irritation mount, she slipped on her jogging shoes and headed for the beach. There was something soothing about the cool evening breezing toying her hair as she dug her toes into the still-warm sand as the surf played around her ankles. And nothing relieved stress like yelling irrational diatribes at the sea. If only such easily attained relief would bring lasting peace.
Other days were extremely aggravating. Like today. She didn't know what was up with Mercy, but did she always have to nitpick over every little thing she did? Of course it is important to adapt to your host culture, but more often than not, it seemed like the citizens of her host culture liked to view the concept of "cultural adaptation" as "you moved to my country so do everything exactly as I do, regardless of whether anyone else does." Only so many people can have the "right" way of doing things...
She liked Mercy, most of the time. But today, well, she had already had enough stress to last a week, and when Mercy told her that by not folding her orange peel back into an orange shape that she appeared like a child, the last residual attempt at polite interest vanished completely. SERIOUSLY?! Its a freaking orange peel! About to be thrown in the trash. She knew that this country was ridiculously obsessed with form and rules, but this was taking it one step too far.
And she knew Mercy was trying to conciliatory when she followed up the conversation with concerned inquiries about whether or not her eye was healing, and by mentioning she looked tired... but she couldn't swallow half-baked apologies anymore. Not from someone who managed to alienate the one man she swore she would always love by flirting with the guy she had her eye on for some time. She didn't know whether to think Mercy was naive, stupid, or a backstabber. It didn't matter though. Its not like Takeshi returned her feelings. And you simply can't make someone love you, no matter how hard you may wish it.
Feeling her irritation mount, she slipped on her jogging shoes and headed for the beach. There was something soothing about the cool evening breezing toying her hair as she dug her toes into the still-warm sand as the surf played around her ankles. And nothing relieved stress like yelling irrational diatribes at the sea. If only such easily attained relief would bring lasting peace.
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