"I finally said it," she breathed with a sigh of mixed regret and relief. Until now, she had been carrying regrets over not saying how she truly felt for more than 8 months, an incredible burden to bear. By not being completely honest with herself and others, she slowly felt the life suck out of her, leaving her in a puddle of tears at a moments notice. But she was done wasting her tears in silence. If something could be done, she must attempt it. If not, it was long past time to give up and move on.
Fear had always kept her on the sidelines of life, watching but never joining in. She had learned cynicism at a young age. It was easier to expect nothing and just be happy when something did occur against one's expectations. Its true that there were no major disappointments, but there were no victories either. "Nothing ventured, nothing gained" did indeed ring true. Even if you never tried, you could still loose. And cynicism didn't completely shield you from sorrow and pain. In fact, it was really more of a breeding ground for it than anything.
Most small children will ask for anything and everything. But from the time when she was a small girl, her mother had always pushed her to ask. "Dad will give you anything you want if you just say it," was her common encouragement. But she could never bring herself to face the disappointment of being told "no". And so she mastered herself to hardly ever ask. Unfortunately though, she still wanted. Oh so much.
She never realized how much her fear of asking affected her life. It affected her friendships, and soon her relationship with God. She was afraid He wouldn't respond, or worse yet, say "no". And she began to wonder, "If I ask with all my heart, and He denies me, does He really love me?" So instead of finding out whether He did or not, she decided to guard her heart from pain on her own.
Then someone lovingly pointed out the truth to her. What cynicism and fear were doing to her; that instead of freeing herself from pain, she was only deepening her agony by harboring bitterness and grief. They had been her constant companions for over two decades... could she give up their familiar ways so easily?
一歩一歩。
So she asked Him. She didn't hear anything. So she asked again, this time for something a little smaller. And she got an answer. She asked for something big again... but still no answer. But in the asking and the waiting, her focused began to change. At last she began to see all that she had been missing. The little blessings hiding in the dew-dropped wildflowers hiding in the nooks and crannies she had overlooked while shrouded in darkness.
After a long wait, it was now time for hope to bloom.
And so she fervently she asked. And asked. Then asked some more. It didn't mean she got what she wanted. At least not as far as the request went. But she began to receive something much more than she expected. Not just the request, but a greater view of the One who listened to her requests. And she began to love Him.
One evening she went for a walk with Him in a garden, as the sun reached its glorious fullness, right before sunset. As she walked, her eyes began to well with tears again as she poured out her desires before Him. And suddenly, a flutter of feathers and familiar chirp drew her eyes upwards. And the beauty of the day, and the majesty of everything He made and provided for her enjoyment flooded her heart as she recalled His words to her, "Your Heavenly Father provides for them. Are you not worth much more than they?"
He did love her. She as soooo thankful, and so happy. And immediately she was afraid that something would come and rob her of this joy. Because fear and worry often had before.
"When you fail, I am here. I'm always greater than any mistake you can make. 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' And I don't ever ask you to be perfect. I simply ask you to grow in trust and become more dependent on Me."
One step, two steps. Fall. Lifted up again. One step, two steps...
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