"I finally said it," she breathed with a sigh of mixed regret and relief. Until now, she had been carrying regrets over not saying how she truly felt for more than 8 months, an incredible burden to bear. By not being completely honest with herself and others, she slowly felt the life suck out of her, leaving her in a puddle of tears at a moments notice. But she was done wasting her tears in silence. If something could be done, she must attempt it. If not, it was long past time to give up and move on.
Fear had always kept her on the sidelines of life, watching but never joining in. She had learned cynicism at a young age. It was easier to expect nothing and just be happy when something did occur against one's expectations. Its true that there were no major disappointments, but there were no victories either. "Nothing ventured, nothing gained" did indeed ring true. Even if you never tried, you could still loose. And cynicism didn't completely shield you from sorrow and pain. In fact, it was really more of a breeding ground for it than anything.
Most small children will ask for anything and everything. But from the time when she was a small girl, her mother had always pushed her to ask. "Dad will give you anything you want if you just say it," was her common encouragement. But she could never bring herself to face the disappointment of being told "no". And so she mastered herself to hardly ever ask. Unfortunately though, she still wanted. Oh so much.
She never realized how much her fear of asking affected her life. It affected her friendships, and soon her relationship with God. She was afraid He wouldn't respond, or worse yet, say "no". And she began to wonder, "If I ask with all my heart, and He denies me, does He really love me?" So instead of finding out whether He did or not, she decided to guard her heart from pain on her own.
Then someone lovingly pointed out the truth to her. What cynicism and fear were doing to her; that instead of freeing herself from pain, she was only deepening her agony by harboring bitterness and grief. They had been her constant companions for over two decades... could she give up their familiar ways so easily?
一歩一歩。
So she asked Him. She didn't hear anything. So she asked again, this time for something a little smaller. And she got an answer. She asked for something big again... but still no answer. But in the asking and the waiting, her focused began to change. At last she began to see all that she had been missing. The little blessings hiding in the dew-dropped wildflowers hiding in the nooks and crannies she had overlooked while shrouded in darkness.
After a long wait, it was now time for hope to bloom.
And so she fervently she asked. And asked. Then asked some more. It didn't mean she got what she wanted. At least not as far as the request went. But she began to receive something much more than she expected. Not just the request, but a greater view of the One who listened to her requests. And she began to love Him.
One evening she went for a walk with Him in a garden, as the sun reached its glorious fullness, right before sunset. As she walked, her eyes began to well with tears again as she poured out her desires before Him. And suddenly, a flutter of feathers and familiar chirp drew her eyes upwards. And the beauty of the day, and the majesty of everything He made and provided for her enjoyment flooded her heart as she recalled His words to her, "Your Heavenly Father provides for them. Are you not worth much more than they?"
He did love her. She as soooo thankful, and so happy. And immediately she was afraid that something would come and rob her of this joy. Because fear and worry often had before.
"When you fail, I am here. I'm always greater than any mistake you can make. 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' And I don't ever ask you to be perfect. I simply ask you to grow in trust and become more dependent on Me."
One step, two steps. Fall. Lifted up again. One step, two steps...
Sunday, April 28, 2013
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
5. Before Spring, Winter must come
Though healing had began its process in the deepest, darkest days of Winter, Spring had not quite come yet. God does work in mysterious ways. At the moment when she needed to know of God's love and mercy most, she received it. But she had no idea how necessary His strength would be in the days ahead.
After the mountaintop, one must face the valley. Two brief days later, she received a message, whose contents would be ever seared in her mind. "We are praying for your father. We hope he makes it through." What? What has happened? What could this possibly mean? Scrolling through messages she had not been able to access in her 24 hours of travel, she received word that her father was in a coma and that she needed to immediately return back to the frozen forests of the North, half a world away. Even in that moment, Father sent people to walk beside her and set her on this unexpected journey home. Hand in hand with her Heavenly Father, she went to see her earthly father for what would be the last time.
The rest was a blur. Foreign airports, restless nights. Seeing beloved faces at the airport and in the ICU entryway. Her mother holding her hand and breaking the news that they would take her father off life support in a few short hours, but offering time alone with him, though he was already in a coma. The realization he was already gone, but staying to praise and worship God in that place. Funeral arrangements. Obituaries. Eulogies. Trying to fill in a host of paperwork, in Canada and Japan. A flurry of activity.
Then silence.
In a state of numbness, life continued on. There were children to love and feed. Animals that also needed care. Life would go on, even if she could not.
Then after a bit of reprieve in the land of ice and snow among those that she so dearly loved, she headed back to another, quite different place that also had captured her heart and soul. To be caught between to worlds that she equally loved was a terrible, wonderful thing. She was the most cursed, and most blessed of all people. Cursed to never in this life have everyone she loved in one place. Blessed that no matter where on earth she went, there would always been the joy of seeing another dear face.
But one loss was soon followed by another, than another. Graduation in Japan had come and gone, and so were many of the people she had met last year. Though it had been brief, she still felt the loss. And yet an even heavier burden to bear, her Grandma soon followed after her father. The loss of her youngest child had weighed to much on her heart, and she quickly passed through the pearled gates to be at last in Father's presence. Fourteen years a widow had been hard on her at times, and while she still loved her family, she had often spoken of finally going Home.
Loss. It seemed that life would never be free from sorrow. After traversing the valleys of the previous year, she didn't think that should would have strength to face such loss, so soon. Her love-sick heart, being newly mended, didn't want to face the loss of two close family members. But she came to see that as long as she was on this earth, that as long as she loved someone, or something, there would be pain, loss and inevitably sorrow. There was no where for her to run and hide from it. She must face it.
However, sorrow didn't have to drown out the joy; it could enrich joy as long as it didn't make her bitter. And she didn't want to be become bitter again. The lessons Father had taught her about gratitude while in the Valley of the Shadow of Death should not be so easily forgotten. Though excruciating, she began to see that walking with Father down these paths, He was enabling her heart to be more thankful, more patient, more gracious and more compassionate than she had been before. He was transforming her, and the job wasn't nearly finished yet.
And with that news, the sakura began to bloom. Spring had come.
After the mountaintop, one must face the valley. Two brief days later, she received a message, whose contents would be ever seared in her mind. "We are praying for your father. We hope he makes it through." What? What has happened? What could this possibly mean? Scrolling through messages she had not been able to access in her 24 hours of travel, she received word that her father was in a coma and that she needed to immediately return back to the frozen forests of the North, half a world away. Even in that moment, Father sent people to walk beside her and set her on this unexpected journey home. Hand in hand with her Heavenly Father, she went to see her earthly father for what would be the last time.
The rest was a blur. Foreign airports, restless nights. Seeing beloved faces at the airport and in the ICU entryway. Her mother holding her hand and breaking the news that they would take her father off life support in a few short hours, but offering time alone with him, though he was already in a coma. The realization he was already gone, but staying to praise and worship God in that place. Funeral arrangements. Obituaries. Eulogies. Trying to fill in a host of paperwork, in Canada and Japan. A flurry of activity.
Then silence.
In a state of numbness, life continued on. There were children to love and feed. Animals that also needed care. Life would go on, even if she could not.
Then after a bit of reprieve in the land of ice and snow among those that she so dearly loved, she headed back to another, quite different place that also had captured her heart and soul. To be caught between to worlds that she equally loved was a terrible, wonderful thing. She was the most cursed, and most blessed of all people. Cursed to never in this life have everyone she loved in one place. Blessed that no matter where on earth she went, there would always been the joy of seeing another dear face.
But one loss was soon followed by another, than another. Graduation in Japan had come and gone, and so were many of the people she had met last year. Though it had been brief, she still felt the loss. And yet an even heavier burden to bear, her Grandma soon followed after her father. The loss of her youngest child had weighed to much on her heart, and she quickly passed through the pearled gates to be at last in Father's presence. Fourteen years a widow had been hard on her at times, and while she still loved her family, she had often spoken of finally going Home.
Loss. It seemed that life would never be free from sorrow. After traversing the valleys of the previous year, she didn't think that should would have strength to face such loss, so soon. Her love-sick heart, being newly mended, didn't want to face the loss of two close family members. But she came to see that as long as she was on this earth, that as long as she loved someone, or something, there would be pain, loss and inevitably sorrow. There was no where for her to run and hide from it. She must face it.
However, sorrow didn't have to drown out the joy; it could enrich joy as long as it didn't make her bitter. And she didn't want to be become bitter again. The lessons Father had taught her about gratitude while in the Valley of the Shadow of Death should not be so easily forgotten. Though excruciating, she began to see that walking with Father down these paths, He was enabling her heart to be more thankful, more patient, more gracious and more compassionate than she had been before. He was transforming her, and the job wasn't nearly finished yet.
And with that news, the sakura began to bloom. Spring had come.
4. Tears of Healing
Seasons passed. Slowly the glorious robes of fall loosened and fell to the ankles of the majestic trees, and a piercing cold began to inhabit the wind. Overcast skies replaced the sunny days of before and Winter had come to take up its thrown. However, Winter without snow is an irritable, bleak thing, with all the pain and none of the beauty.
She stopped pondering at her window, and decided to pursue something other than love. If a husband and family were to be denied to her, her heart needed something or someone else into which to invest love into. Because as hard as she would try to deny it, God had made her to love, and love must be given. So she began to focus on the young people around her, children, teen and college students. And slowly, ever so slowly, gratitude began to sprout in her heart again.
To give her respite from the chill that was beginning to set in on her marrow, an invitation came to meet with other like-minded people in a tropical place not so far away. Excited at the change of pace, she collect a few cloths into one handheld bag, and set off on a new adventure. Adventure. How she love the thrill of new experiences, new people, new places. And this time she would face it alone. Until now there was always someone there to help, to buffer her from the problems that would inevitably arise on this new escapade. But this time, it would only be her wit and God's protection that would get her there and back again. After all this time, her last fear of singleness was being fought, and she would not back down.
Not without a few funny stories and some thankful prayers, she at last arrived at her destination. Those couple of weeks spend in the midst of God's family were a balm to her soul. More so than she ever could have anticipated. As she dwelt in God's word among His people, layer upon layer of dirt and filth began to fall from her spirit. Bitterness, cynicism, anger, undealt with grief were exposed. How she had lived so long without seeing them mystified her. At last, would healing come?
One fine day, the leader of the group suggested they pray for each other. And so the flood gates of desire opened as members asked for prayer for what lay on their heart. In the midst of it all, her friend stood up and said "I feel so alone." Without a thought, she clutched her long skirt in one had and ran across the room to plead with her Father on her friend's behalf. During that time, someone else announced another prayer request, but deep in prayer, she didn't hear it. When she returned to her former spot in the room she asked her roommate "What was said?" Her friend replied that someone requested they pray for the singles. Realizing that everyone around her was a single woman, she exclaimed, "What are we waiting for?" and fell to her knees and began to pray. In the midst of that circle of comfort, she, like another famous woman of old, began to pour out her heart with tears and much agony of spirit. For someone who was very careful to reveal how she felt, the degree of vulnerability was unlike anything she had ever experienced.
When she stood, she knew she was free. The tears had washed and cleansed her spirit, and no matter what the response would be, she knew her Father had heard her prayer. It was time to rest.
She stopped pondering at her window, and decided to pursue something other than love. If a husband and family were to be denied to her, her heart needed something or someone else into which to invest love into. Because as hard as she would try to deny it, God had made her to love, and love must be given. So she began to focus on the young people around her, children, teen and college students. And slowly, ever so slowly, gratitude began to sprout in her heart again.
To give her respite from the chill that was beginning to set in on her marrow, an invitation came to meet with other like-minded people in a tropical place not so far away. Excited at the change of pace, she collect a few cloths into one handheld bag, and set off on a new adventure. Adventure. How she love the thrill of new experiences, new people, new places. And this time she would face it alone. Until now there was always someone there to help, to buffer her from the problems that would inevitably arise on this new escapade. But this time, it would only be her wit and God's protection that would get her there and back again. After all this time, her last fear of singleness was being fought, and she would not back down.
Not without a few funny stories and some thankful prayers, she at last arrived at her destination. Those couple of weeks spend in the midst of God's family were a balm to her soul. More so than she ever could have anticipated. As she dwelt in God's word among His people, layer upon layer of dirt and filth began to fall from her spirit. Bitterness, cynicism, anger, undealt with grief were exposed. How she had lived so long without seeing them mystified her. At last, would healing come?
One fine day, the leader of the group suggested they pray for each other. And so the flood gates of desire opened as members asked for prayer for what lay on their heart. In the midst of it all, her friend stood up and said "I feel so alone." Without a thought, she clutched her long skirt in one had and ran across the room to plead with her Father on her friend's behalf. During that time, someone else announced another prayer request, but deep in prayer, she didn't hear it. When she returned to her former spot in the room she asked her roommate "What was said?" Her friend replied that someone requested they pray for the singles. Realizing that everyone around her was a single woman, she exclaimed, "What are we waiting for?" and fell to her knees and began to pray. In the midst of that circle of comfort, she, like another famous woman of old, began to pour out her heart with tears and much agony of spirit. For someone who was very careful to reveal how she felt, the degree of vulnerability was unlike anything she had ever experienced.
When she stood, she knew she was free. The tears had washed and cleansed her spirit, and no matter what the response would be, she knew her Father had heard her prayer. It was time to rest.
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